Blog Assignment 4

To:  T. Leoni, Manager, Personnel Department 
From:  Donald Pryzblo, Manager, Data Processing Department 
Subject:  Payroll Checks 

After reviewing the problem of discrepancies in the payroll checks, I have come to the following conclusions:

• I failed to find errors in our department's computer files.
• I located discrepancies in the time tickets that were prepared by the clerks.
• Everything that was entered in my department coincided with the time tickets prepared by the clerks.

I think the best way to solve is this problem is to observe the clerks who are preparing their tickets.  It might be in your best interest to require the clerks to proofread and double check their work before sending it to my department.  Not only will this save my department time, but it will also eliminate any problems with the payroll checks and save the company time, money, and problems.

Although it is not my department's position to correct time tickets, we are willing to work and cooperate with the clerks to ensure that payroll checks are correctly prepared.  Thank you for your time and please consider my solution to the problems we are facing regarding payroll checks and time tickets.

Thanks again,

Donald Pryzblo, Manager

Data Processing Department

_____________________________________________________

First of all, this e-mail was written in a very harsh and accusing tone.  I think this is the main problem in this e-mail because the reader would become furious after receiving it.  In my experience, if a person writes an e-mail to someone that is accusing and negative, that person will   immediately become angry and automatically look for something to disagree with.  If you want the reader to pay attention to your message and read the e-mail for helpful solutions, you should concentrate on the positive outcomes.  You should show the reader how he or she can benefit from the solution.  

According to WAPP, e-mails should be brief and to the point.  It is a good idea to use bullets to emphasize main points or important information because the bullets will draw attention.  I started the e-mail with a topic sentence, organized the details in the middle, and I summed up the e-mail in the last sentence.  I also left a nice comment to the reader so he or she would understand that I am trying to solve the problem and not place blame on  other employees.

Also, the first version of the e-mail was a bit cluttered.  I think the reader would take in the main points if the e-mail was more organized and spaced out.  Therefore, I inserted spaces between each paragraph and made a bulleted list of conclusions.

I also changed the subject line of the e-mail from "Incorrect Payroll Checks" to "Payroll Checks."  The word incorrect added more of a negative tone to the e-mail, and the subject is the first item the reader will see when receiving the e-mail.